The package arrived in town on Wednesday. On Thursday, the item was out for delivery, but "no attempt was made." On Friday evening, the tracking system said "customer not available or business closed." Having spent the day waiting for the package, I contacted FEDEX, who said they had sent a message to the distribution center.
After waiting all day, on Monday evening the tracking screen said yet again, "Customer not available." Contacted FEDEX customer advocacy, who put me in touch with the local office, where they essentially called me a liar (even in the absence of scans verifying attempts to deliver, according to FEDEX itself). Went to pick up the item myself... the office was closed.
And this was in Memphis, their hub. UPS looks really good right now.